I am a firm believer in being transparent while on this Christian journey. People are often scared to speak about issues they are facing because they feel alone and like no one else is going through what they are going through because we try to come off all perfect. Well let me tell you, I am FAR from perfect. I fail daily. There are days where I let my emotions get the best of me. There are days where I look at the world and am tempted to go back to that lifestyle because it looks fun. There are days when I just want to be selfish and care about no one else but me. I promise that whatever issue you are facing, you are NOT alone. There is someone going through the same thing or something very similar.

The enemy wants us to be silent about our struggles and downfalls. Most of all, he wants us to be silent about our past. He wants us to be ashamed of our pasts and the things we have done. I am here to tell you that we do not need to be ashamed of the mistakes we’ve made because God brought us out of them. He met us there. He redeemed us. He didn’t leave us nor forsake us. How amazing is that?! Revelations 12:11 states, “They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony…” (NIV). The “him” this scripture is referring to is the devil. The reason he wants to be silent about our testimony is because he knows that if we speak about it, we have overcome. We are no longer bound by shame, guilt, and condemnation.

There is nothing wrong with a little transparency. It helps more than it hurts. I don’t even think it can hurt. Of course there will be some critics, but I have the utmost respect for people who are so open and honest about being delivered from homosexuality, prostitution, gang violence, etc. Don’t let the enemy steal you from your joy by keeping you in bondage. Be free. Overcome by the words of YOUR testimony!

So what about me? I am telling you all to be transparent, so I should be to. When I look back at my past, I see it so differently now than how I saw it while going through it. It’s crazy, I look back at old pics of me partying and appearing to be happy but I see a broken girl who was holding so much hurt and pain. I thank God for His saving grace. For healing me and making me whole! I don’t ever wanna go back. I can’t and I won’t.

The other day, I was looking at photos where I was out in the club partying. I looked happy on the outside but I remember vividly that deep down I wasn’t happy at all on the inside. I had no joy, no peace. I was very much so led by my emotions. I would hit the club and drink heavily to try and escape reality, but when that party was over, when that buzz was gone, reality was there staring me in my face and I was broken. I didn’t realize it then (or maybe I just didn’t want to admit it), but I was completely broken. I had no joy and no peace. But God came in and rescued me. He freed me from all that hurt and pain.I had no place to go but to the cross…to the feet of Jesus and He carried that burden for me. He healed me and made me whole.The smile I have now is different from the smile I had then bc this smile is full of joy and peace. It’s not to cover up brokenness. Even when things are crumbling down around me, my joy remains bc it came from God and only He can take it away.

So why was I broken? During this time, a lot of things were falling apart in my personal life. I was in a relationship where I really cared about this person, but he really could have cared less about me. I tried to make the relationship appear great on social media, but in reality it was HELL. I was cheated on. I was abused. I used to fear for my life. I honestly felt that one day, I would be dead at his hands. I used to be ashamed to talk about being abused because I was always that strong girl. That girl who took nothing from nobody, but I found myself in a relationship where I was being choked, bullied, slammed on the ground, given concussions, etc. I honestly felt I didn’t deserve better. I would make excuses for my then boyfriend and would try to make us seem happy and like a great couple, but that was so far from the truth.

At my lowest point, I had no where to go but to the feet of Jesus, and He showed me my worth. I talk about that more in my post Worth Far More than Rubies. Jesus met me just where I was. I was broken, had low self-worth, and felt undeserving. He redeemed me, restored me, and never left me. Even in my sin, he protected me. I am so grateful for God’s grace and mercy.

I used to find my value in having a man, especially that man, but now I know my value comes from God and God alone and nothing in this world can take it away.

I know I am not the only one who has been in an abusive relationship. I am here to tell you to break the silence. It is becoming more and more prevalent. Share your testimony, it might be just what a person needs to hear to end their situation. And if you are in an abusive relationship right now, I urge you to get out of it. You are worth so much more. You deserve to be treated like royalty. You are worth more than diamonds, pearls, rubies, and everything else. You are precious. This isn’t the best God has for you, I PROMISE!

I love you all!

xoxox Disa F.