Somewhere along the line, I forgot what the Word said…or at least I stopped believing in it. I know that we overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony (Revelation 12:11), but for some reason I kept my mouth shut. I was ashamed. I didn’t want to let go of this picture perfect portrait of my marriage. I didn’t really want to believe it….because if I share it then its true, and it really did happen. I’ve shared how God brought me out of a very abusive relationship. You can read about that here. I have been able to encourage women and remind them of what God says, but I was unable to do that for myself. I knew God delivered, redeemed and healed me before, but I lost faith in thinking he could do it again. I felt I was far too broken and that He allowed me to be this broken. So why would I trust Him? Well, I am still on the road to recovery and in the process of gaining my fire back from the Lord, but He told me to let it out. He said I have to share my story and I have to share it now, so here’s a little more transparency for you.

“Disa, I need to tell you something.” The way he looked at me and the words that came after is something I’ll never forget. September 20, 2017 was my personal D-Day. I had been on such a emotional high. I had just gotten home from traveling to Colorado for a work retreat and came back home feeling renewed and ready to see my little family. That night, my husband broke the news to me that he had been having an affair for a little over a month. I was dumbfounded. Like how could I not know that was going on. I was confused because I just knew he would never do this to me. I was angry because I thought I was his queen and this is how he did me. I was CRUSHED. My heart sank. I felt like something died inside of me. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see straight. I couldn’t think straight. Was everything we built a lie. Who was this person? He KNEW this was my deal breaker and yet he did it anyway. WHY? WHY would he do this? My marriage had died. It would never be the same.

These thoughts plus many more were all racing through my head.

After that, we separated for a little while. We went to counseling with our pastor. He made necessary changes, and I agreed to stay in the marriage. I had no idea my road to recovery would be so hard as its been. A year and a half later I still struggle. A year and a half later, I am still hurt. I still operate out of a very hurt place at times. I lash out. I am cold and mean and rude.

The past year and a half, we have definitely had our good moments. I mean, we got pregnant with our daughter, had our daughter and celebrated our 4^th and 5^th year wedding anniversaries. We’ve shared many highs. He’s been there for me during many lows. I have been able to see hope and feel love. I have been able to smile. And for moments, I have been able to forget.

But, overall, I have not been able to truly move forward. I have been seeking to hurt him in any way, shape or form. I wanted him to feel my pain. So, I would purposely seek out other men to text because “he did it so why can’t I?” But I would never let it get past a certain point. My pride wouldn’t let me fall completely into an affair because if I did that then I was no longer the good one…the faithful and loyal one. I could no longer hold his mistake over his head. But that didn’t stop me from saying off the wall things. From being disrespectful. It didn’t stop me from flirting with the idea of an affair and wishing I could just get him back. The enemy had a hold on my mind and I knew it and I gave him free reign. I let those thoughts continue. I didn’t do like my Bible says to do and cast down those thoughts and make them obedient to Christ. I did the opposite. I would add fuel to the fire.

I never stopped to think how his decision to do what he did affected him. I never stopped to think about his feelings at all. I mean I WAS THE VICTIM. My feelings mattered more. I felt like I was the only one hurting and that he got what he wanted. I was still here. She got what she wanted. But here I am…still hurt. Still depressed. And they are not suffering at all.

Hurt people hurt people. And Lord knows I was (and still am) hurt. My faith in God stopped. I blamed God for it happening. My self-esteem and self-worth shattered. My heart was broken into tiny pieces like a shattered window or mirror. Depression took over me. I wanted to die because I felt death has to be better than this. Revenge was in the back of my mind and subconsciously, it had been my mission for the past year and a half. I thought it would make me feel better. I thought I would feel redeemed…like now he’d know how I feel. I was wrong.

In a dumb moment, I made the decision to get my revenge. Sure I had been drinking, but I don’t blame it on the alcohol. I was well aware of what I was doing and while we didn’t go all the way and while it was only a one time thing…I got my revenge. But my hurt was still there. It didn’t suddenly disappear. It actually amplified.

My conscious wouldn’t let me hold it in. I had to tell my husband what I had done. I let the devil get the best of me.

God had shown me the beauty that was going to come out of these ashes. Even in the midst of me not really fooling with God, He still revealed His plans to me. He still spoke to me. He still pursued me. But I didn’t want any parts of it. I wanted to seek revenge MY WAY! I didn’t want to wait on the Lord to deal with them. I felt I knew best. I felt my husband wasn’t punished enough. I felt like I needed redemption and in the process I crushed someone who fought for me and for our family. Someone who would literally give me the whole world if he could. Someone who would take whatever foolishness I threw his way with grace and still love on me especially when I was hard to love. I didn’t see that then, but I see it now.

Even in my quest for revenge, even in his hurt, he was able to forgive me and move forward. I admire my husband so much for that because its still hard for me to truly forgive him. He is my example of God’s grace, mercy and forgiveness on earth. And for that I am forever grateful.

So what now? We are still married. I am in therapy trying to deal with my grief and figure out why its so hard for me to let it go. I am seeking God diligently. I am working to become the best version of myself. And I only can do that by seeking first the Kingdom of God.

Maybe your marriage is struggling. Maybe you’ve been hurt beyond what you think you can handle and are on a downward spiral. Sis, I urge you to seek help. Seek the Lord. Stay on your face before Him. That is where your healing will come from. Not from anything else. TRUST ME. I tried everything else and it left me more battered and bruised. God won’t fail you. He is using this hurt for your good (Romans 8:28). He is using this test for your testimony. You may not understand now, but that is okay. It’s not your job to understand. It’s your job to obey.

As we end the first quarter of 2019, let’s get real with ourselves. Let’s get the healing we need. Let’s walk the path of righteousness. Let’s leave our burdens on the cross. We weren’t meant to carry them anyway. Lets have a beautiful exchange with the Lord. Trade your burdens for his grace, his love, his mercy, his forgiveness, his comfort and his healing. His burden is easy and his yoke is light (Matthew 11:28-30).

xoxo

Disa B.