Author Archives: disabadillo

Death to Superwoman

Posted in Christian, Family, Relationships, Self Worth by

Let me start off by saying that perfection is an illusion, and there is no such thing as balance. Some seasons, you’ll neglect certain things and parts of your life, and that is ok.

For years, I believed I had to be everything to everyone. The strong Black woman. The wife who holds her husband down. The mother who never misses a beat. The daughter, the sister, the friend, the professional; all done with a smile, no cracks showing.

I wore the cape proudly. But the cape got heavy.

I told myself rest was a luxury I hadn’t earned. That pausing was a sign of weakness. That if I didn’t push through, somehow my family would fall apart. I thought strength meant never stopping.

But eventually, I stopped anyway, because I had no choice. I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. Everything in my life seemed perfect, but the weight of trying to be perfect and show up for everyone and everything, every time was crushing me.

The Myth I Inherited

Being a Black woman, you inherit stories. Stories of women who endured, who carried, who made a way out of no way. That legacy is powerful, but it can also be suffocating.

I thought strength meant silence. I thought motherhood meant martyrdom. I thought being a wife meant meeting every need before acknowledging my own.

The truth is, no one asked me to do that. Not my husband. Not my children. I put those expectations on myself.

The Superwoman Complex

Part of it was the Superwoman complex, that deep-rooted belief that I should be able to carry it all. That no matter how heavy life gets, I can handle it without breaking. That I can juggle every responsibility, every role, and never drop a ball.

But here’s the truth: I am not Superwoman.

I am not meant to carry everything. And even if I could, why should I? Carrying it all left me tired, anxious, and stretched so thin that there was no space left for me.

Letting go of the Superwoman complex has been an act of freedom. It has meant admitting that I am human, not a superhero. It has meant learning to ask for help. It has meant setting boundaries. And it has meant allowing myself to put some things down without guilt.

The Sofa That Saved Me

One of my favorite places in the world is my family room sofa. In the middle of the day, I’ll grab a blanket, curl up, and take a nap. For years, I would’ve felt guilty about that, like I was slacking off or wasting time.

Now, I love those naps.

I love that my children see me resting. I love that my daughter especially sees me prioritizing my body, my peace, my need for pause. Because I don’t want her to grow up thinking womanhood means constant exhaustion. I want her to know that she can be strong and still rest. That she can be a nurturer and still say, “I need time for me.”

It’s not just about what I’m teaching her, it’s also about what I’m unlearning for myself. Burnout is not a badge of honor. It is a sign that you need rest or that you need to delegate some things to other people.

The Real Me

I used to think my family needed Superwoman. The woman who could work all day, cook dinner, clean the house, do the homework, keep the smiles going, and never stop moving.

But my husband and my kids? They don’t need a superhero. They need me.

They need the me who laughs so hard my stomach hurts. The me who cries when I feel overwhelmed. The me who can admit, “I can’t do it all today.” The me who lets herself rest on the sofa in the middle of the afternoon, trusting that the world won’t collapse if I step away. The me that is present not only physically, but mentally and emotionally. The one who is truly enjoying each moment instead of thinking about and planning the next.

They don’t need my cape. They need my presence.

Death to Superwoman

So here I am, saying it plainly: death to Superwoman. I am not a myth. I am not an endless well of strength. I am not a machine. I am a woman. A wife. A mother. A daughter of God. And that is more than enough.

I am laying down the cape and choosing to live fully in my humanity with all its softness, all its imperfections, and all its beauty.

Superwoman is dead. Disa is reborn.
And for the first time in a long time, I feel alive and free.


❤️ Disa B.

When Perfection Becomes a Prison

Posted in Christian by

Lately, with the help of my amazing therapist, I’ve realized just how much perfectionism has taken hold of my life. I set impossibly high expectations for myself as a wife, mom, friend, and professional, and when I inevitably fall short, I feel defeated. Without meaning to, I’ve projected those same expectations onto the people around me, constantly moving the goalpost so that nothing ever feels “good enough.” That weight isn’t fair for them to carry, and it isn’t fair for me either.

Perfectionism may look like ambition on the outside, but in reality, it’s a prison. It robs us of joy in the present moment because we’re too busy measuring ourselves against an impossible standard. The truth is, perfection was never meant to be our burden to bear.

For me, those unrealistic expectations stem from fear. Fear of being disappointed and fear of being a disappointment. But chasing perfection has only left me feeling unworthy and exhausted. I’m tired of presenting perfection on the the outside but battling the weight of it all on the inside. I’ve finally reached the point where I’m ready to lay that burden down. And if you’re tired of carrying it too, keep reading.

God Never Asked Me to Be Perfect

The Bible reminds me that my striving for flawlessness isn’t what God desires. Matthew 11:28-30 says:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Perfectionism is heavy. Jesus offers lightness. When I cling to perfection, I’m essentially telling God that His grace isn’t enough, that I still have to “earn” it by doing everything flawlessly. But His Word says otherwise.

High Expectations or Heavy Chains?

I’ve also realized how unfair it is when I hold others to my same impossible standards. Ephesians 4:2 gently reminds us:

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”

Love doesn’t demand perfection; it extends patience, grace, and understanding. By expecting people to never disappoint me, I miss the beauty of grace-filled relationships.

Freedom in Grace

One verse that continues to encourage me is 2 Corinthians 12:9:

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

That flips perfectionism on its head. My weaknesses, the very things I try to hide or fix, are actually opportunities for God’s strength to shine through me.

Learning to Rest

Letting go of perfection doesn’t mean lowering my standards or abandoning excellence. It means shifting from striving to please everyone to resting in God’s perfect love. My worth isn’t measured by how well I perform at work, how flawless I am as a wife, mom, daughter, or friend. My worth is found in Christ alone, and the work was already finished on the cross. I don’t have to prove I’m worthy. I just am.

I just am. Whew. That truth stops me in my tracks. I am worthy because I am His.

When I stumble, He steadies me. When I fall short, His grace covers me. And when I feel like I have to hold everything together, He gently reminds me: He already does.

Final Encouragement

If you’re battling perfectionism like I am, take this as a gentle reminder:

  • You don’t have to do everything right to be loved.
  • God’s grace is bigger than your mistakes.
  • The pressure to be “perfect” is not from Him, it’s from the world (and often, from ourselves).

Instead of chasing perfection, let’s pursue peace. Instead of impossible expectations, let’s embrace grace. And instead of striving endlessly, let’s rest in the truth that we are already enough because of Christ.

Love,

Disa B.

God is More Than Able

Posted in Christian by

Hey Dee,

When my mom called me at 9 a.m. on a Tuesday, I immediately knew something was wrong by the sound of her voice.

“Hey Ma, what’s up?”

Then I heard my brother’s voice on the line too. And in that moment, my heart dropped. I knew something terrible had happened.

See, my oldest brother’s girlfriend had suffered a brain aneurysm just a couple of days before, and I thought they were calling with an update—maybe one we’d been dreading. But nothing prepared me for the words that came next.

“Your dad had a heart attack last night,” my mom said.

Pause. It felt like time itself stopped.

“…but he’s okay. He’s alive.”

All the feeling left my body in that moment. MY DAD had a heart attack?! How? Why? He’s athletic. He runs 5Ks like it’s nothing. This was not on my bingo card. I felt heartbroken, worried, fearful, and in complete shock. I didn’t know if I should cry or scream, so I did what I do best—I jumped into action.

“Where are y’all? What hospital? I’m gonna pick up the dog so y’all don’t have to worry about it. I’ll be at the hospital soon.”

But before I go further, let me rewind.

This blog is months in the making. My husband encouraged me to start writing again, especially because since January, God had been placing the song “More Than Able” by Maverick City Music on my heart over and over again. Each time I listened, He revealed something new. I honestly thought I’d be writing about faith on a macro level—how even when elections don’t go our way or when the world feels chaotic, God is still faithful. He still moves. He still changes situations.

I had no idea those revelations were preparing me for this. For the hardest week of my life.

But in true God fashion, He was getting me ready for such a time as this.

My life verse is Romans 8:28, and God continues to show me—again and again—that He’s working for my good even when I don’t see it, even when I don’t understand. That week, those lyrics became my lifeline. They held me together when everything else felt like it was falling apart.

Let me walk you through the five moments God used this song to speak directly to me.

⸻

1. “You are more than able. Who am I to deny what the Lord can do?”

The first time I saw my dad in his ICU room, he didn’t look like himself. His skin was so dark. His eyes were dull. Machines beeped around him, tracking vitals I didn’t fully understand. The man I’ve always known as strong, vibrant, full of jokes and life, was now fragile and weak. I felt helpless—but not hopeless.

I looked at him and quietly whispered this line: “You are more than able. Who am I to deny what the Lord can do?”

Because who am I to say that healing can’t happen? That miracles don’t still show up?

I refused to give fear the final word.

⸻

2. “Can you imagine with all of the faith in the room, what the Lord can do?”

We had faith. I had crazy faith. But I’ll never forget the nurse who looked at me with cautious eyes and said, “Hope for the best… but prepare for the worst.” I appreciated her honesty, but my spirit rejected that. Not out of denial—but because I knew what faith could do.

In that room, with my brother beside me and friends and family praying all over the country, I felt the atmosphere shift.

I imagined what would happen if we all just truly believed.

Can you imagine… what the Lord can do?

⸻

3. “It’s gonna happen, just let the Waymaker through. He’s gonna move.”

There was a moment I’ll never forget. I had stepped out into the bathroom, locked the door, and let the floodgates open. I cried so hard I was afraid someone would hear me, so I silently screamed—releasing the weight of fear, grief, and exhaustion.

Then I wiped my tears, walked back into my dad’s room while he was asleep, and played this song softly from my phone. I laid my hands on his chest and prayed over his body. I prayed in English. I prayed in tongues. I spoke life. I asked the Waymaker to move.

And I’m telling you—I felt the darkness leave that room. I felt a release. I felt peace.

The next morning, the doctors said he was improving fast. He was being moved out of the ICU.

⸻

4. “Anything is possible.”

The craziest part? He had another heart attack during that first ICU night.

The doctors didn’t know how he was still alive, still stable, still thriving.

But I did.

Because anything is possible with God.

He defies statistics. He breaks through human understanding.

He steps in when the situation seems irreversible and He reverses it.

He’s not just a healer. He’s the God of resurrection.

And we saw it firsthand.

⸻

5. “You’re not done with me yet. There’s so much more to the story. Just let the Lord come through.”

My dad is here. He’s recovering. He’s living.

And I believe with my whole heart that God’s not done with him yet.

There is so much more to his story.

There’s more life.

More laughter.

More milestones.

More memories to make.

And this moment, as terrifying as it was, reminded me just how real and present God is. He was never absent. He was never not working. He was always near, always able, and always writing a story bigger than we could imagine.

So if you’re walking through something right now—whether it’s fear, uncertainty, or heartbreak—I want you to hear me when I say this:

God is more than able. And He’s not done with you yet.

Let the Lord come through.

Hurt People Hurt People – A Story of God’s Grace & Mercy

Posted in Christian by

Somewhere along the line, I forgot what the Word said…or at least I stopped believing in it. I know that we overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony (Revelation 12:11), but for some reason I kept my mouth shut. I was ashamed. I didn’t want to let go of this picture perfect portrait of my marriage. I didn’t really want to believe it….because if I share it then its true, and it really did happen. I’ve shared how God brought me out of a very abusive relationship. You can read about that here. I have been able to encourage women and remind them of what God says, but I was unable to do that for myself. I knew God delivered, redeemed and healed me before, but I lost faith in thinking he could do it again. I felt I was far too broken and that He allowed me to be this broken. So why would I trust Him? Well, I am still on the road to recovery and in the process of gaining my fire back from the Lord, but He told me to let it out. He said I have to share my story and I have to share it now, so here’s a little more transparency for you.

“Disa, I need to tell you something.” The way he looked at me and the words that came after is something I’ll never forget. September 20, 2017 was my personal D-Day. I had been on such a emotional high. I had just gotten home from traveling to Colorado for a work retreat and came back home feeling renewed and ready to see my little family. That night, my husband broke the news to me that he had been having an affair for a little over a month. I was dumbfounded. Like how could I not know that was going on. I was confused because I just knew he would never do this to me. I was angry because I thought I was his queen and this is how he did me. I was CRUSHED. My heart sank. I felt like something died inside of me. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see straight. I couldn’t think straight. Was everything we built a lie. Who was this person? He KNEW this was my deal breaker and yet he did it anyway. WHY? WHY would he do this? My marriage had died. It would never be the same.

These thoughts plus many more were all racing through my head.

After that, we separated for a little while. We went to counseling with our pastor. He made necessary changes, and I agreed to stay in the marriage. I had no idea my road to recovery would be so hard as its been. A year and a half later I still struggle. A year and a half later, I am still hurt. I still operate out of a very hurt place at times. I lash out. I am cold and mean and rude.

The past year and a half, we have definitely had our good moments. I mean, we got pregnant with our daughter, had our daughter and celebrated our 4th and 5th year wedding anniversaries. We’ve shared many highs. He’s been there for me during many lows. I have been able to see hope and feel love. I have been able to smile. And for moments, I have been able to forget.

But, overall, I have not been able to truly move forward. I have been seeking to hurt him in any way, shape or form. I wanted him to feel my pain. So, I would purposely seek out other men to text because “he did it so why can’t I?” But I would never let it get past a certain point. My pride wouldn’t let me fall completely into an affair because if I did that then I was no longer the good one…the faithful and loyal one. I could no longer hold his mistake over his head. But that didn’t stop me from saying off the wall things. From being disrespectful. It didn’t stop me from flirting with the idea of an affair and wishing I could just get him back. The enemy had a hold on my mind and I knew it and I gave him free reign. I let those thoughts continue. I didn’t do like my Bible says to do and cast down those thoughts and make them obedient to Christ. I did the opposite. I would add fuel to the fire.

I never stopped to think how his decision to do what he did affected him. I never stopped to think about his feelings at all. I mean I WAS THE VICTIM. My feelings mattered more. I felt like I was the only one hurting and that he got what he wanted. I was still here. She got what she wanted. But here I am…still hurt. Still depressed. And they are not suffering at all.

Hurt people hurt people. And Lord knows I was (and still am) hurt. My faith in God stopped. I blamed God for it happening. My self-esteem and self-worth shattered. My heart was broken into tiny pieces like a shattered window or mirror. Depression took over me. I wanted to die because I felt death has to be better than this. Revenge was in the back of my mind and subconsciously, it had been my mission for the past year and a half. I thought it would make me feel better. I thought I would feel redeemed…like now he’d know how I feel. I was wrong.

In a dumb moment, I made the decision to get my revenge. Sure I had been drinking, but I don’t blame it on the alcohol. I was well aware of what I was doing and while we didn’t go all the way and while it was only a one time thing…I got my revenge. But my hurt was still there. It didn’t suddenly disappear. It actually amplified.

My conscious wouldn’t let me hold it in. I had to tell my husband what I had done. I let the devil get the best of me.

God had shown me the beauty that was going to come out of these ashes. Even in the midst of me not really fooling with God, He still revealed His plans to me. He still spoke to me. He still pursued me. But I didn’t want any parts of it. I wanted to seek revenge MY WAY! I didn’t want to wait on the Lord to deal with them. I felt I knew best. I felt my husband wasn’t punished enough. I felt like I needed redemption and in the process I crushed someone who fought for me and for our family. Someone who would literally give me the whole world if he could. Someone who would take whatever foolishness I threw his way with grace and still love on me especially when I was hard to love. I didn’t see that then, but I see it now.

Even in my quest for revenge, even in his hurt, he was able to forgive me and move forward. I admire my husband so much for that because its still hard for me to truly forgive him. He is my example of God’s grace, mercy and forgiveness on earth. And for that I am forever grateful.

So what now? We are still married. I am in therapy trying to deal with my grief and figure out why its so hard for me to let it go. I am seeking God diligently. I am working to become the best version of myself. And I only can do that by seeking first the Kingdom of God.

Maybe your marriage is struggling. Maybe you’ve been hurt beyond what you think you can handle and are on a downward spiral. Sis, I urge you to seek help. Seek the Lord. Stay on your face before Him. That is where your healing will come from. Not from anything else. TRUST ME. I tried everything else and it left me more battered and bruised. God won’t fail you. He is using this hurt for your good (Romans 8:28). He is using this test for your testimony. You may not understand now, but that is okay. It’s not your job to understand. It’s your job to obey.

As we end the first quarter of 2019, let’s get real with ourselves. Let’s get the healing we need. Let’s walk the path of righteousness. Let’s leave our burdens on the cross. We weren’t meant to carry them anyway. Lets have a beautiful exchange with the Lord. Trade your burdens for his grace, his love, his mercy, his forgiveness, his comfort and his healing. His burden is easy and his yoke is light (Matthew 11:28-30).

xoxo

Disa B.

My Message to the Strong Friend

Posted in Christian, Self Worth by

To the “strong friend”: it is okay to admit that you’re not okay. That is a sign of strength.

DfMnpC0U0AEHuCL

If you don’t read anything else on this post, I want you to know that admitting your struggle and your hurt does not equate to you being weak. Strength is saying, “you know what? I’m hurting. And it’s okay. I will make it.” We all need somebody. No one can get through this life alone. Thinking that we can is a lie from the enemy.

The Bible says in James 5:16, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” Healing comes through confessing our struggles to others. Healing comes once we face what we are going through head on and admit it.

Today, you may be feeling like living your life is no longer worth it. You may be feeling alone and lonely. Like no one understands. You may be feeling like you’re isolated on an island and thinking you’re the only person experiencing what you’re going through. Even in the midst of those feelings, you may still be encouraging your friends and family to get them through their stuff. You may be carrying the burdens of others and don’t think you can carry theirs and yours much longer. Release it today my friend. Cast all your cares on the Lord for He cares for you. His burden is easy and his yoke is light. Give it to Him!

You are worthy. You are loved. You are strong. And in your weakness, He (Jesus) is strong for you.

This time last year, I was struggling. See, I’m typically the strong friend. People come to me for advice and wisdom, and I give it with no hesitation. I can quote scripture and encourage people. That is a gift of mine. I love to do it. But when it was time to encourage myself, I couldn’t do it. I never understood how people could take their own lives until suicide was looking like my only option, and I attempted it…twice.

My family and friends tried to be there for me, but I retreated. I isolated myself because I didn’t want them to see how hurt I really was. So when they would call and text me, I would make it seem like I was doing okay. That I was making it. That the days we’re getting easier. But the exact opposite was true. I was drowning and depression was swallowing me up. I was at rock bottom. My faith in God diminished. I didn’t want to believe in Him any longer. I never understood how when tragedy happens, people blame God and turn from Him until it happened to me.

But you see, healing began to take place for me when I turned back to God and told Him that I was angry at Him and confessed my hurt, out loud. That was hard. Saying it out loud. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Jesus does. I tried to shut Him out. I ran from Him. I honestly lost all faith and trust in Him. But He never left me. For that, I‘m grateful. When I finally ran back to Him, healing began to take place. I began to have new strength. New perspective. Then, I got real and expressed it to a couple friends and my mom. See, as bad as I didn’t want to, I had to face it head on. Avoiding it…bottling it up on the inside was killing me slowly. But man there was so much freedom in confessing it. I didnt have to smile through it. I didnt have to pretend. I was free to live in my hurt for a moment. I was free to express my sadness and my anger and my disappointment. It felt good. It FEELS good. 10259733-3b68-4aad-bd08-0f6084bf18a2_637052fa-7ebd-4b72-9ddd-ab3655029929_2048x2048

I can’t say that I’ve made it. To be honest, each day I’m still making it. I’m still recovering. I still have to renew my mind. I still have to cast down thoughts. Tears still form. But I’m still here. And the pain isn’t how it once was.

So, to the strong friend, seek help. Seek wise counsel. Seek a safe place to be vulnerable. You will be so glad you did. Then a year later, you will be able to look back and see how you made it through your toughest time. That is strength. ❤️

Xoxo
Disa B.

A Woman Empowered: Danika’s Birth Story

Posted in Christian, fertility, Marriage, maternity, pregnancy by

When I gave birth to my son, I planned on doing it medication free and having a wonderful natural delivery. That was not the case. I blogged about it here. I knew that whenever I had my next child, I wanted a better experience. I would be better prepared. I’d be more confident and be in charge of my birth experience…not the nurses or my doctor. I prayed that God would allow me to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) and He did!

When I found out I was pregnant, I immediately started researching doctors that would attempt VBACs. Apparently a lot of doctors won’t do it due to a small risk factor where there is a small percent chance that your uterus could rupture. But there are risks in repeat cesareans as well so I didn’t let that scare me. After researching & researching, I found my doctor and I’m so glad I chose her! I originally chose another doctor but wasn’t going to be able to be seen by that doctor for a long time because all appointments were booked (Thanks to all these hurricane babies people were popping up pregnant with 😂) so I chose another doctor instead who turned out to be the right choice for me! God is always working!

So after meeting with my doctor and telling her my plan of VBAC and her reviewing my history and my cesearean operative report, she said she thinks I’m a perfect candidate! That was music to my ears! So from that moment on, I started my game plan. My husband and I prepped and prepared and studied and were on the same page about what I wanted. He was my daddy Doula and we were going to conquer this thing to have the birth experience I wanted.

So fast forward to my labor:

My early labor lasted a long time. I went in for my 37 week checkup on July 19th (I was 37 weeks 2 days). She checked my cervix and I was 3cm dilated, over 50% effaced and Baby girl was in +2 position. My doctor was so surprised with my progress and knew I wouldnt make it to my due date of August 7. I left there feeling excited and anxious. My mom had gotten in town the Friday before and came to the appointment with me. She was just as ready as me to have the baby, but i didn’t want to get my hopes up. I was 3 cm dilated with my son for 3 weeks before he came, so I tried not to think about it.

That Saturday (7/21) and Sunday (7/22), I started having Braxton Hicks contractions but they were a little strong but irregular so I knew something was changing. I was hydrated and I hadnt had any leading up to this point. I figured my early labor had officially begun. I had a Skype call on Monday for work (7/23) where I was leading the call and told them, I’ll probably have a baby today or tomorrow. I just felt different. That night, the Braxton Hicks started feeling stronger and were coming closer together trying to create a pattern. At that point, I told my husband to come home from work because I think tonight is the night and since he is my Doula, I need him with me. He came home, showered and was there being my support. I told him that we should head to the hospital. We did. IMG_7362Once we got in triage, I was still only 3cm dilated and my contractions kept dying off. They suggested we walk. So we did that twice! Walked for 2 hours, 2 different times and I still wasn’t progressing. We decided to go home. It was about 5am on 7/24 at this point, and I was feeling defeated. I had made my husband leave work early and the baby isn’t even here. I just knew she was coming. My husband was so encouraging and told me not to feel defeated (I never told him how I was feeling but I did start crying) and that it was all going to be fine.

So we get home and I go to sleep, it felt like as soon as I fell asleep, I was awoken by some crazy contractions. This was around 7am. At this point I knew, this is real and I’m forreal in labor because nothing was helping the pain. I got up and went to the toilet. It felt better to labor there. Then that stopped working. I got up and walked around, leaned on chairs and the wall and things in the closet. Then my daddy Doula suggested laboring in the bath tub, and I’m so glad he did. I labored in there for a while. Then my husband said, it’s time to go back to the hospital. It took me like an hour and a half to get dressed because I kept stopping at each contraction due to the pain. I also tried to eat something as well because I knew I’d need that fuel. So around 10:30am we were off to the hospital!

The drive was brutal. Contractions in the car with bumps and stops etc. are no bueno. But we finally made it to the hospital! When we made it to triage this time, I was immediately checked and to my relief I was 6cm dilated. I was in so much pain. I immediately said (well loudly proclaimed), “I NEED the epidural! Can I get it now?” The nurse responded that once I get a room in labor and delivery and they monitor me and the anesthesiologist is able to come to my room, I will be able to get the epidural. In my head, I am thinking that the baby will be here by then! I could tell they were rushing to get me down to labor and delivery. At this point, I am losing it. I am not staying on top of my contractions and being calm. I am drowning in them and losing control. My husband is calmly telling me to breathe and telling me I can do this while I am telling him that I can’t. I finally make it to L&D and the anesthesiologist comes not too long after.

Intially, I was not going to get an epidural at all, but 2 things changed for me. One was the pain, I was not able to regain control and I had lost it. I was crying and just a wreck. The second thing was that since I was attempting a VBAC, the nurses let me know that in the event I did have to have a c-section and didn’t have an epidural already, I would be put to sleep during the procedure. That was something I did not want at all. So I made it to 7/8 cm without the epidural and I was darn proud of myself for that and was ready to get the epidural. The doctor said it would take 20 minutes for it to take effect. I immediately thought “well what the heck is the point?! I need it now!” So like I said, my game plan going in was to never get the epidural to begin with and God remembered that so even after the 20 minute wait, He didn’t allow it to take full effect but allowed me to have it for my peace of mind in the event of an emergency c-section. So, I could still feel every contraction and the pressure was intense! My doctor came to check me and said “We’ll be ready to push in about 30 minutes” She came in not even 5 minutes later and said “Lets have this baby!” I couldn’t believe it was happening so quickly. I don’t know how many pushes I did, all I know is that my baby had developed a heart arrhythmia at some point during labor so they wanted her out quick. They used forceps during 2 of my pushes and I made them stop. It hurt so bad, and I was unable to focus on pushing. I looked my doctor square in the eyes and said “Take them out! I am not pushing with them in.” And she obliged. I said, “I will get her out quickly. I got this!”

It was at this point that I took control. Like I said, I could feel each contraction still. The pressure was intense. I stopped taking breaks in between pushing because my baby needed me. I just closed my eyes and treated it like track practice on the last rep….get to the finish line as fast as possible. And at 1:57pm on July 24, 2018 my princess was born! Of course I cried! She looked just like her big brother.

I felt like superwoman after. I felt like I could conquer anything and I still feel that way. IMG_7361Although the birth wasn’t complication free, it was better than a c-section and I had a successful VBAC! I was elated and grateful. I am grateful that God gave me my hearts desire to push out this baby girl.

So if you are giving birth soon, here is my advice to you:

  • Own your labor! It is your body. If you don’t like something, speak up. Don’t think you have to do whatever it is they are suggesting. You are paying them.
  • Create a plan but be flexible in case complications arise
  • Submit that plan to God. Pray about it. Be honest with Him about your desires and your “why”
  • Be confident! Growing a child then giving birth, no matter the method, is empowering.

You got this mamas & future mamas!

xoxo
Disa B.

Welcome our sweet baby girl: Danika Badillo

IMG_7533
IMG_7527

Top 3 Things I’ve Learned in 3 Years of Marriage

Posted in Christian, Dating, Marriage, Relationships by

Today is our 3 year anniversary! You can watch our wedding video here! Time truly flies when you’re having fun. We are 2 different people now than we were when we got married at 23 years old and have learned a lot along the way.

I thought it would be fitting to share with you all the top 3 things I’ve learned about marriage in my first 3 years of marriage.

dance

  1. He is FOR me, not AGAINST me! – This took a while for me to grasp because it is so easy to feel like your spouse is your enemy in times of disagreements and arguments. I would get so defensive and my feelings would get so hurt and I would just shut down because who wants to communicate with the “enemy”. My oh so patient husband would always tell me that his intentions aren’t ever to hurt me and that he is one with me so hurting me would be like hurting himself. I don’t know why I couldn’t grasp that at first. Maybe I didn’t believe a man could truly love me like that. Maybe it was due to the abuse I experienced in previous relationships. Maybe it was a combination of all these things (it was). But now when we have disagreements, I know its not the end of the world. I know he’s not going to leave me. I know that he is FOR me.
  2. Comparison can & will kill the joy of your own marriage! – Let me tell you that a sure way to kill the joy and happiness in your own marriage is to compare it to somebody else’s marriage. I would compare my husband and our marriage to these marriages that looked so perfect on social media that I was missing the beauty of what we were creating. I tried to make my husband be someone he wasn’t. That was not fair to him. It killed the joy I had for a season of our marriage because I just wanted our life to look like theirs. I didn’t know the struggles that those marriages may have been facing behind the scenes but on the surface, they looked PERFECT & that is what I wanted. Then God gently reminded me that the enemy comes to steal, kill & destroy and that the enemy was using social media marriages to steal, kill & destroy the joy I had for my own marriage. Now today, I am totally content with MY marriage. I love my portion. Other marriages are great, and I LOVE to see their happy moments and no part of me gets envious anymore (its ALL God).
  3. We are ONE, but we are NOT the SAME! – We went into marriage with a good foundation. We took marriage counseling, went to marriage conferences, and read marriage books, but for some reason, I felt like once we got married, our thought process would magically work the same (I mean we are one after all). Well let me tell you that this was not the case. For one, the process of becoming one is just that…a PROCESS. It doesn’t happen immediately at the altar. Its a pruning process and doesn’t always feel good. But it is so worth every moment of it. Secondly, even though we are one, we are 2 totally different people who grew up in 2 totally different ways and in 2 totally different cultures. How could I expect him to think the way I think? It was very unfair. I had to realize that there is more than one way to get to 4 (you can add 2+2 or 3+1, you can multiply, subtract, or divide) but as long as the end result is 4 then you are correct. Some ways may take longer than others but that is okay. I had to learn that we aren’t doomed because the way we work the equation is different. We aren’t doomed because we think a little differently on some things. It is okay.

If you are struggling in your marriage, I just want you to remember to not abort the process if you want to get to your promise. Marriage is work. It is dying to yourself daily. It is thinking of your spouse above yourself (even if he/she isn’t doing the same). Marriage is not for the faint heart. It is not for punks. Marriage is the ultimate commitment that works when grace is extended often, when offenses are forgiven quickly, and when love is given unconditionally. I am a better woman because of my husband, and he would tell you that he is a better man because of me.

xoxo

Disa B.

Trusting God Through the Birthing Process – Drayden’s Birth Story

Posted in Christian by

jeremiah-29_11

My son Drayden was born on October 10, 2016! His due date was October 14th, so he was full term. He is now one month old. I was planning on sharing his birth story soon after birth, but life happened and I wasn’t expecting to experience so many emotions. Drayden’s birth did not match my birth plan, but a healthy baby boy was born in the process and that is all that matters.

So let’s get to it. On October 7th & 8th, I was exhausted. I slept sooooo much. I assume my body was preparing itself for labor. My husband was working the night shift that week and on the 8th I text him that I felt different and to be by his phone in case I go into labor. Well I didn’t go into labor that night but soon after he came home on the 9th, labor happened. I called my doctor because I thought my water broke, but I wasn’t sure. She told me to come in. As soon as I hung up the phone, contractions started. I couldn’t believe it. I had not had any Braxton hicks contractions throughout my pregnancy so I had no idea what contractions would feel like. They were INTENSE! The first few were okay, but they became super intense and very close together real fast. They started off about 5-6 minutes apart but very quickly that turned into 2 to 3 minutes apart.  I just knew I was dilating fast! We needed to get to the hospital ASAP. I took a shower while they were further apart and let hubs rest during that time. I mean he had just worked a 10 hour night shift. He needed to rest as long as he could. I woke him up and said okay now you can get dressed and pack up the car. Everything was already together by the door.

Now by the time I got in the car, the pain was becoming more & more intense. I was breathing through each contraction and remembering what I learned in my lamaze class. I really wanted to give birth naturally with no medication. Once we made it to the hospital around 1pm, they hooked me up to see the contractions and definitely knew I was in labor. My parents made it to my room & at this point the pain was almost unbearable. I just knew I was about to enter the transition phase. They checked me to see how much I was dilated and she said I was 4 centimeters…I was in disbelief. ONLY 4 CENTIMETERS?! Then why are my contractions coming so strong & so close together?? My doctor couldn’t answer that question. They asked me if I wanted an epidural. I said YES! This is unbearable and I’m only 4 centimeters. I thought I would be further along than that. I felt defeated already. Hubs tried to talk me out of it (I asked him to do that) but in the end, I got the epidural. I felt sooooo much better. I could actually enjoy this process with my family. But as each hour passed, I began to regret my decision. I was wondering why things were taking so long. The day has come & gone, my baby should be here by now. Then at one point his oxygen levels began to fall. I was scared. They gave me an oxygen mask to put on to help with it.

Around 1am (12 hours after arriving to the hospital) my doctor said she would give it 3-4 more hours for me to fully dilate until we had to have a c-section (I was stuck at 8-9cm for HOURS and it would not budge). Throughout my pregnancy, I told her how I did not want to have a c-section unless it was absolutely necessary. She understood that so I knew that it was the final option. I had my worship music playing. I was praying so much for a vaginal delivery but I always ended my prayer with “but thy will be done Lord. I just want my baby boy to arrive safely and be healthy.” When she came and checked the last time, no additional progress had been made. She had to get the ball rolling on the c-section. I cried. I cried a lot. I prayed. I prayed a lot. But I understood what had to be done.

Last Photo Pre-Drayden
Last Photo Pre-Drayden
Prepping for C-section
Prepping for C-section

Thankfully my husband was there through it all praying with me & encouraging me along the way. We had a healthy baby boy at 6:04am on 10/10/16. He was 6 pounds, 10 ounces, and 20 inches long.

During the time I was praying prior to getting the c-section, I dozed off at one point. I vividly remember hearing God ask me if I trusted Him or if I trusted my plans. Then I woke up…of course I trust You Lord, but I really wanted my birth to go like this. We did it the right way. We are married and we have You first in our marriage. We prayed for this child. You gave us this child. Why can’t you give me the birth I want too? I could see that I wasn’t fully trusting Him…I was only trusting Him with MY plans…not with His.

So maybe you are about to birth something (a business, a ministry, going back to school, etc), but the process isn’t going how you envisioned. Will you still trust God anyway, even if it doesn’t look how you expected it? Even if it is going to hurt a little more? Even if you have to get cut? Even if it lasts longer than expected?

Keep your eye on the promise. Other than prayer, remembering that my son would be here at the end of all this kept me going. Trust God over your circumstances, and never forget the promise He has given you even in the face of adversity.

Jesus loves you & I do too!

xoxo Disa B.

Faith Over Fear

Posted in Christian, pregnancy by

spiritoffear

Can I be honest with you all? I have been struggling a lot with fear lately. 2 Timothy 1:7 has been the scripture I have been holding on to. “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”

This provides comfort to me. From the recent shootings and terror attacks to old friends dying in car accidents, fear has been tormenting me. Can I not go to the movies, go to church, drive down the street, or hop on an airplane without a high probability of dying?

From the looks of my social media accounts, I am not the only one who is struggling with fear. In my quiet time with the Lord, He reminded me that this type of fear does not come from Him. The enemy wants us to be fearful to live the life God has planned for us. If we are too afraid to drive down the street or hop on a plane, we won’t be effective spreading the Gospel. If we are afraid that a madman may shoot up our churches, we won’t go. The enemy is using fear to prevent Kingdom business from being done.

The Bible says that we overcome by the blood of the Lamb & the word of our testimony (Revelation 12:11). We can overcome fear by taking it to the feet of Jesus and by telling others about what we went through and how we overcame. Oftentimes, we feel ashamed or feel like we shouldn’t share certain things, but the Bible is clear. We have to share our testimonies in order to truly overcome.

So here is a list of few things that have almost crippled me with fear.

  • Pregnancy: Most of you do not know this, but I was told I had abnormal cells in my cervix that looked like cancer and they were growing fast. I had surgery to remove the portion of my cervix that was affected by these cells during the first year of my marriage and everything is great now, but after surgery, my doctor informed me that I may not be able to carry full term because my cervix could open any time because it is weaker now. He also let me know that I will probably never be able to have a vaginal birth. Being pregnant now, of course this is always on my mind. but I have to trust God. No matter what I feel, I know HE is in control. His plans are perfect.
  • Raising a black child in this world: With there seeming to be more and more innocent black people being killed at the hands of cops who are supposed to protect and serve, I am fearful of my child being caught up into something crazy just because the color of his skin. I am fearful of getting a phone call saying that my child died at the hands of a police officer because they “thought” he had a weapon, but he only had a pencil or some candy.
  • Having a husband who is a Police Officer: On the flip side of the bullet point above, my husband is in the final stretch of training to become a police officer. With so many people hating cops and thinking all cops are bad or crooked, I fear for his life. I am scared that some crazy person will kill him just because of his uniform. I lose sleep some nights over this.

These are real fears for me, but when I remember that this world is not my home…that I am only here for a little while, all fear goes out the window. I may have plans and dreams of growing old with my husband, but what if God doesn’t? Do I trust Him any less? Does it make Him a bad Father? I don’t think so. The Bible says, “How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog–it’s here a little while, then it’s gone” (James 4:14). When we remember the real reason we are here, to spread the Gospel & save souls, fear has to go out the window. When we cast our cares upon the Lord, we can’t continue to hold on to the fear. We have to trust God no matter what.

With that being said, if you are reading this and you haven’t accepted Jesus Christ as Lord & Savior of your life, today is the day. Tomorrow is not promised. The Bible says that if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Jesus from the dead, you will be saved (Romans 10:9). That’s all it takes. You don’t have to get right first. God makes you right. You don’t have to wait until Sunday morning worship, you may not make it to see Sunday. Your time is right now. Don’t let another day pass you by without making this decision.

My biggest fear is not sharing the Gospel, but keeping the Good News to myself, while people die and go to hell. Choosing Jesus was the best decision I ever made. I can’t force you to choose Him just as He doesn’t force you to choose Him, but I promise you won’t regret it if you do.

Fear tries to overtake your faith. Don’t let it. If you are currently struggling with fear, take it to Jesus. He can and will help you overcome. Trust Him. Faith > Fear.

xoxo
Disa B.

My Journey to Pregnancy

Posted in Christian, fertility, maternity, pregnancy by

Bible-Verses-For-Birth-Announcements

Today I am 5 months pregnant. I reached the halfway, 20 week, mark on Friday (May 27th). So far, my pregnancy has been pretty smooth. My baby boy has treated his mama well minus a few aches and pains. But my journey to conceiving wasn’t as easy or simple. I am sure many moms or those currently trying to conceive can relate.

My husband and I wed on December 14, 2013. You can check out our wedding highlight video here. We knew we wanted to wait at least one year before having children, so in February of 2015 (a couple of months after our 1 year anniversary) I stopped taking my birth control to start the process. I knew it would take a few months for my body to regulate without the artificial hormones. I had been on birth control for years due to horrible cramps. But months later, my cycles were super irregular. I was concerned and worried. Did birth control damage me? Will I ever be able to conceive? These were the types of questions running through my mind.

During this time, I was constantly being asked when we were going to have kids, especially since we bought a house. Everyone was telling us we needed to hurry and fill it up with children. This only made it worse. Why was everyone so concerned about us starting a family. Then we found out my sister-in-law (I just call her my sister) was pregnant. I never admitted it, but I was envious. She hadn’t been trying. Why was she able to conceive and not me? The enemy was really toying with my mind.

After a while, I stopped caring. I told God, its cool. I don’t need a child right now anyway. I have weddings and events coming up. It will just slow me down and I don’t want to turn anyone away who wants to book me. But deep down, I was still worrying. I’m clearly a planner by nature, so I downloaded all these fertility tracking apps and became obsessed. Mind you my cycles were very irregular. It would be 28 days then 35 days then 42 days then 30 days. There was no way to track my ovulation.

Fast forward to September of 2015. I stated earlier that I am an event planner. I met a bride to be and we immediately clicked. Her wedding was scheduled for a Sunday in October of 2016. The day we were scheduled to meet so she could sign the contract, she called and told me she hired someone else. I was sad because I had really worked this client and I felt like our personalities really clicked (that is important when working closely with clients on the most important day of their lives). So, I talked to God about it. He said, “I blocked you from getting her business because you will be giving birth in October 2016.” Hold on now God, I will be doing what in October? How? I’m barely ovulating. But I believed Him because He has never let me down before. I told my husband what happened and he told me to stop stressing because God has us. A week or so later, a friend of mine, who happens to be a prophetess, text me saying she had a dream I was pregnant and that it will be happening soon. God was sending messages to me left and right, but deep down, I was still trying to control the situation.

December comes and goes. Negative pregnancy tests. January comes and goes. Negative pregnancy tests. February comes…I felt the Lord tell me to take a test. I’m like nah, I just took one like a week or so ago. It was negative. He was like take the test Disa (lol). This happened February 8th to be exact. I had one test left. I wasn’t planning on buying anymore because I had already wasted enough money. So, I took the test. I waited. I casually looked down anticipating only 1 line (negative test) but I saw 2 lines (positive). I was in utter shock. I couldn’t believe it. I ran into the room where my husband was and I couldn’t even say it. I just said, “look at this!” His response was, does this mean we’re pregnant?” I nodded and he just hugged me.

I went to the doctor a few days later to confirm it and to have her date the pregnancy. She said you are DEFINITELY pregnant. When she did the ultrasound, she dated my due date to be October 14, 2016. God told me in September of 2015 that I would be giving birth in October of 2016. God still works miracles. The journey was tough. I almost let my doubts interfere with God’s promises. My husband trusted God all along with no doubts, no fears…he just trusted. Even in my disbelief and even with my doubts, God still fulfilled His promise to me. My husband stayed faithful through it all and never doubted one time. I believe it’s because of his belief and faith that the Lord delivered.

13254533_10208411869507978_1361467173572731856_n

If you are on your journey to conception, trust God. Delight in Him. Give Him your worries, anxieties, fears, and doubts. Whether it is His will for you to conceive or not, trust Him. He is working on your behalf.

When I think about the timing of so many things that have happened in my life…God’s timing is truly perfect! Certain may have not happened according to my plans but His plans are always best and always better than what I had in mind!

If you’re waiting on something and it not happening the way you want it to, REST. Trust God. His timing is perfect. His plans are to provide you a future & a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)

 

xoxo

Disa B.
13267812_10208382119884256_6292180604297152244_n